February 26, 2019…woke up at 1:00 in the morning…my mind racing again. Wide-eyed and in no danger of falling back to sleep, I felt compelled to grab my laptop. Knowing it was a week night and I had to be at work in a few hours didn’t matter to me in the least. I felt possessed and before I knew what was happening, the storm raging inside my mind and heart combusted and began to flow out of my fingertips stroking the lit keys in the dark…
When I was younger, I thought life would be so better defined as I grew older. In my early 20's I believed when I hit my 50's I would have attained a great understanding of the world; life would be settled for myself and my children and I would grow old with my husband enjoying life by the seaside. My expectations were sky high and I was very disappointed.What I've realized is that you need to be a soldier to continue on in this life as you grow older and go through so many of life's experiences. There will be some moments of awesome times that will be so joyful, full of family, friends, silliness and love. Relish in them and realize how blessed you are to have those moments because they are sprinkled few and far between.
More likely you will experience many cruel tragedies. Most of these will be not of your creation, but a devastating ripple effect of someone else's choice or actions. It may even be no one's fault per-say, just one of those damned awful things that happen in life. Or...it may be something you had a hand in and now karma is bringing it back to you.Whatever the case may be (and I'm speaking from my own experience here), when you're young, most of you will shake it off and 'keep it moving' - you feel invincible and it's easy to start over and tell yourself "I'm not going to let that experience change who I am on the inside." Positive feelings that come easy for you when you're younger (happiness, joy, playfulness, adventure, trust in yourself and others) are free flowing because you're still somewhat innocent to the harsh realities of life.
But, one by one, this innocence starts to corrode with each hurtful and life-changing event you experience. It starts to become a real challenge to regroup your mind, soul and life to get back on track, but with your faith you're able to refocus and you move on.Now you're almost a senior citizen and have had to love and fight your way through many trials. Your mind is still young, but your body is getting tired and you just want to spend the rest of your life in peace. Then suddenly, one of the most unbearable events you never imaged would happen...happens. You had no control over it and yet it has shaken you to the core and literally stopped you right at that horrific moment from moving forward in your life. Oh yes...you continue to imitate life; continue to get up work, smile, interact with others and fill yourself with positive statements while you listen to others trying their best to find the right words of love and support. You tell yourself you must be strong for your family, your children and grandchildren; to assure them you will be alright...but deep down inside yourself...you are frozen, you are alone in the dark and wilderness...you are lost. You scream out to the one thing that has always carried you through to this moment...your faith. But no words permeate from your soul...even it has abandoned you. What is it you do in that moment?
NOTE TO SELF: This is the moment that will define the remainder of your life…